Storm Clouds and the Silver Lining

Dear Madeline,

I know not where to begin. Your suffering today was immense and I was unable to do a thing to help you beyond holding you in my arms. I can't say I've ever felt so impotent and so emotionally shredded in my life. We can only guess what could be causing you such agony today. Is it your port site? You've had some bleeding from the incision area around it, but the port itself is fully functioning. Your primary incision seems to be healing nicely and not causing you much grief. Could you be starving? You've refused any form of bottle for about a week, though the use of pieces of medical equipment looking like a bottle has resulted in tears, so maybe you've justly developed a fear of the bottle?

I took a few walks today to try to collect myself, said many prayers and shed more than a few tears for you. I've been struggling to figure out what this all means, wishing I could see what God has intended as a result of your suffering today. I trust that His plan will unfold and be revealed in time. I can say though that I saw a small sign that God has heard my prayers, even if the action plan for answering them is still developing.

I prayed once again that you would, among other things, start eating so we can get you started on chemotherapy without much further delay. In response to your suffering, the nurse brought you some acetominiphen to see if that would help the pain. To be honest with you, Maddie, I was skepitcal. You already have some potent stuff in your IV, what good could Tylenol possibly do? Yet, it wasn't the medicine, it was the delivery vehicle that gave me a ray of hope.

Whereas last night you were unable to keep the stuff down, you accepted it by the skinniest syringe I'd ever seen... and it stayed down. And it hit me: if you would take and keep down medicine orally via syringe, maybe you'd be able to handle some baby formula in the same manner. And it worked! I can't say that the storm has passed, but I've seen the silver lining in the clouds. What a small but important relief. If we can get your digestive system back on track, we can get on with chemo. I'll be sure to add a special note of thanksgiving to my prayers. In the meantime, please go easy on Mom and I tonight.

Love,
   Daddy